Thursday, October 4, 2012

Negativity Fighting Faith

The last few days have not been great.  I am holiday which is probably not a good thing as it's given me time to think about the forthcoming  'forced' retirement.  Instead of doing the things that one normally does whilst away from work, apart from brooding over my situation, I have attended a couple of work related meetings, taken and made phone calls, received and written e mails and waited for a week for the car to come back from the mechanic.  Probably just as well as the weather has been lousy so car or no car, no days in the sun walking along the beach and letting sand sift through my toes.

I was going to sort out my wardrobe but it's still waiting.  All the clothes that I'm going to give away because I'll never get down to that size again, are still hanging in there.  All the books that I was going to move from one of the bookshelves are still sitting there.  The shelves in the dry food cupboard are still in disarray. The book I was going to start  has been put back onto the pile waiting to be read.  'The English Patient' which I started watching four nights ago is still on pause and it had hardly started.  Basically the things that I need to do are not being done and I know it's because I cannot work up an enthusiasm for anything.  My husband says I'm tired and need to rest.  Well, that's all I seem to have been doing - resting and thinking.  Thinking and worrying.  I'm not normally a negative person - you know the story - glass half full or half empty type of thing but this time, I'm floored. Totally and absolutely floored because of the way the departure from my job has been done by those who have the final say.  I cannot write about it yet because not only am I too angry but also because I'm still there and cannot afford any backlash between now and the end of the year.  I have been offered another position within another department which I am thinking about but realistically I cannot afford to go part time, take such a massive drop in salary and still be expected to use my car with no gas allowances.  But that again, is another story.

I am sure there are thousands of people out there like me  but they are not me.  Although I love my job, I work because I have to work.  Having lost a business, homes and all possessions in the 90s, we have never recovered. My husband has been 'black listed' in this country because he is known for his intolerance of corruption so therefore  has not been able to get a job since 1996.  Yes we started a small business but things are very slow. Why don't we leave the country? You need money to up and start again. 

I was feeling particularly low on Tuesday evening even after going to a Christian meditation session which a girl friend had invited me to.  The session was wonderful but I really don't know what happened after that.  I just could not get rid of that big black cloud thing that I'd posted on Face Book the day before.

It just came to a head and suddenly I was tired of everything.  My humour seemed to have plummeted so one of the first things I did was post on Face book words to the effect that I was going to be scarce for a while as I wasn't very nice to be around.  I used the expression that my late father sometimes came out with when he was unhappy about something - 'I'm disenchanted with life' .  When I thought about it the following day I decided it wasn't life that has me feeling so, but people,  People who have lied, people who have made the whole thing worse by pretending to have my best interests at heart, people who know they've done wrong so are trying to make up for it in ways that they think I can't see through, people telling me what they think I want to hear and people covering for each other.  

All in all, it's a betrayal.  A betrayal by those who because of the positions they hold, are looked up to.  People who are not 'in the know' don't think these men can do any wrong.  What they see is not necessarily what they get.  I have been around far too long, seen far too much and heard far too much and perhaps that's what they're afraid of.

It will get better. I know it will because I know where my trust lies and it certainly isn't in man.  I'm told I'm very good at advising people who are in desperate situations so you'd think that I'd be more positive in my own.  Doesn't work like that!!

After my Face Book eruption I was heartened to receive so many private messages most if not all, asking me not to shut down.  Some good cyberspace friends have shared thoughts which are much appreciated and although I'm still in lethargy mode with an unwillingness to do anything (don't even ask how I managed to get this bog out - I have no idea), I know in my heart of hearts that this can't last forever.  

A friend left this on my FB page. I want to share it because I believe that there are people out there who may need to read it too.


  1. Yes..there are some of us who have lived through a "professional" betrayal job just you's downright painful. SO many questions without answers, so many doubts about the real agenda...the list goes on and on.!
    You are just processing this entire situation and will come out of this just's takes time to separate from the vortex of negativity you have been in. Be kind to yourself,my friend.
    I'm so sorry you have been sucked into such an awful situation. Sending much light& love your way!

  2. Many years ago I learnt what you are learning now Bee. Yes, you do come 'out' of the blue funk but it takes a bit of time. Just go with the flow and take each day as it comes. You need to quit worrying about what you can't change. Give up on the thinking like you are; then you can look at it again in a few weeks or months with a fresh mind and SEE the answer to it all. Is your husband able to do computor work from home at all? Maybe something you can both look at and set up???
    Take care my dear, my thoughts are with you.
    PS, I have The Book of Secrets.

  3. I think you being able to talk about your feelings is a good thing and will help the healing. Not much you can do about it, maybe go for a totally different field in a new job. A problem that hubby is not working for sure and at our age, so difficult to find anything that pays properly , but with your experience, you could surely go anywhere??? How about Zimbabwe, I kid you not, they are desperate for good people. Gary and Michelle has so much work, that Garys sister and husband has now also moved up. They were born there too, when Rhodesia. Gary's exwife moved up too with her new husband, also ex Rhodie and the 2 kids, Bulaway is booming. I cannot persuade Russell though. He says too old to move his old bones, even if just over the border, if he is moving then down to the coast, to stand and fish all day. *smile*

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, if you need to talk, to vent or to laugh, give me an email. Hugs you tight.

    ps was not going to tell this on here but I had a complete nervous breakdown in 1994, due to being fired at work, betrayed by a co-worker, who wanted my higher position ........... I was so in shock, I went into total black mode. Was hospitalised for 3 weeks , heavily medicated. Maybe if I had had a friend or an outlet, like this where I could talk it out, would have been different, also husband no support at all. I can so understand your feelings, but you are coping well, dear, just keep on going and go clean that dry goods storage cupboard out and go pack out that clothes cupboard, anything in there I can fit by any chance?????????? YOu have such lovely taste, sure it is all absolutely divine items. *sigh*

    By the way I am now one of your stalkers, has put you on my followers list escaping now. Come on over for a glass of red!

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  6. I am sorry about your job. Praying for strength and grace for you. Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem at the end of your post...those are powerful words.


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