Sunday, August 6, 2017

Almost Nine Months a Widow.....

After a week short of being nine months a widow, there is still nothing anyone can say that would make me feel better.

Oh,  believe me, there are good days in between the total meltdowns but they are few and far between.  The smile on my face hides the raw pain from the outside world. Wine doesn't kill the pain, starting to smoke again after thirteen years doesn't take away the stress (so knock that one on the head!), neither valium nor antidepressants ease the ache, and burying myself in my work is only a temporary relief until I open the front door in the evening.  I have come to realize that even with a supportive family and very good friends it would be very easy for me to become a recluse. There have been weekends when I have stayed behind closed doors from Friday evening until Monday morning when it's time to face the world again.

I am told, as I am so quick to tell others when they have lost a loved one, to treasure the memories but I find it hard, very hard to get past those last few days in the hospital when it became obvious that my husband wasn't going to survive. That horrendous memory is locked in my head and it seems as though someone has thrown away the key.

Today, I am in total meltdown.  I am not sure whether it is a result of having been unusually busy work-wise over the last two weeks and today finding that I could actually relax or the fact that I am so very tired, that the thought of cleaning, washing and cooking is totally overwhelming. For someone so organized, it's hard to get my head around what's happening.

I know one goes through several stages after a loss.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance although the first four really not necessarily in that order. That was confirmed to me yesterday by a dear friend who just happens to be a priest but funnily enough, we weren't discussing me. 

This year my husband and I would have been married for thirty two years.  That together with the two previous years of knowing one another, is sometimes just too hard to think about. Maybe when the raw pain has eased and I come to accept the loss, devastation and anger are a thing of the past, the smile I smile now will be genuine, the raucous laughter real and the fun filled, witty person who people believe has actually already recovered, will really be back.  

A mask is a terrible thing.






.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Christmas Greetings 2016







Merry Christmas to anyone who comes to this page.  Wishing each and every one of you peace, joy, happiness and love for today and always.  Let us celebrate family, friendship, love and kindness.

Let's also remember those who for one reason or another, don't find this season easy to bear but who, regardless of their sadness, put on a brave face.  Life for some, is not what is seems.

Blessings!




Friday, December 9, 2016

When is Enough, Enough?

Even in my own grief having lost my husband last month, I wept today for a young lady who went missing a few days ago and whose body was found today behind boxes in a busy store in the heart of town. An apparently sheltered twenty year old with her life before her who recently started to work in a major bank and who had called her mother on Monday afternoon to say that she was going to Pennywise and IAM Company before coming home is no longer alive. Her Pennywise bags and a shoe were found before she was. The story apart from being tragic, is smattered with anecdotes of how she was found, where she was found and what had been done to her body before being dumped.
It's a tragic story and one that, for all the four hundred plus murders that have taken place on this tiny island this year, seems to have hit home more than most. We ignore gangland killings. We ignore disappearances - talking behind closed doors and not so closed doors, of human trafficking, family revenges, gang related revenges. Even though it's very wrong, we seem to take those in our stride.
So why has this particular murder been the subject of so many threads on social media? So many conversations? Such anger? A population coming together in a unified outrage? The answer is 'women'. Whilst men are also outraged (my driver this evening was beside himself with anger) young women and not so young women have come together and continue to come together in solidarity over this terrible, terrible murder. Many of the women we know - mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts... walk the streets of Port of Spain before work, during the day, popping out for lunch, rushing to Pennywise because goods are cheaper there than in the Malls without a thought for their safety. They stop off at vendors in Charlotte Street to pick up fruit and vegetables, pop into the odd shop as a dress or a top catches their eye and then the Chinese supermarket for a cold drink and something to munch on as they make their way back to the office. Although we have been saying for a long time that nowhere in Trinidad, not even one's own home is safe, I believe the events of today hit home for many women especially those who work in Port of Spain.
I believe there is to be a silent demonstration tomorrow at the bottom of Charlotte Street. If I could be with them I would be but I know plenty of young women who have pledged to take part. Women from all walks of life. Women from all professions. Women who have had enough. It is time for women to step up and call for a solution. When women en masse are angry it's time to watch out. I sincerely hope this is not a nine day wonder. I sincerely hope that this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Maybe, just maybe Shannon Banfield's grotesque murder has made women angry enough to call out the necessary authorities; to make them act and to make them understand that women are not second class citizens and that they are entitled to walk the streets without fear, get into taxis without wondering whether or not they will make it to their destinations and be able to walk past a group of men without being harassed and hassled, never mind attacked or murdered.
This candle is for Shannon. May she rest in eternal peace and may perpetual light shine upon her. May her family be comforted and may the women of Trinidad and Tobago come together as one, remain together as one and make a great deal of noise as one. So much noise that the sound cannot be ignored. Let this not be a nine day wonder - let us use the loss of this innocent young woman to make our voices heard. Only in unity can we make others listen. Only in unity can we make a difference. Let those of us who are outraged today keep up the fight to stem the violence.
Shannon, soar with angels.


Wednesday, November 2, 2016

A Birthday and All Souls



Today, the 2nd November is All Soul's Day and my husband's birthday.  I normally write about All Souls and just tag on the fact that it's my husband's birthday but today, it's the other way around.

As I write, my husband is very ill, lying in a hospital bed in Port of Spain General Hospital where he is being taken care of by the most amazing team of doctors and nurses. Even though so ill, he insisted that the family take cake and ice cream for the medical staff today. Hardly able to speak, he called me at 6am this morning to ensure I had everything set up including plates, spoons, forks and napkins.  By 9.00am my daughter and I were at his bedside having handed over the goodies to the nursing staff. Visiting is normally 11 am to 1.00pm and  4.00pm - 6.00pm.  We were allowed to stay on the ward with him from the time we arrived until whenever we chose to leave.  I have always made an occasion of  special days in the lives of each family member but I did not for one moment think that today I would be by my husband's bedside in a hospital.  However he is in good hands and we keep positive, strong, united, have faith and a determination  that he will survive this terrible ordeal and heal.


Having brought some people up to date on my husband's state of health, I will now say that All Soul's is a Catholic day of Remembrance for friends and loved ones who have passed away.  On this day, during Requiem Masses,  the Office of the Dead has to be recited.







The theological basis for the Feast is the belief that those souls which have left the body not perfectly cleansed, or have not fully atoned for past sins, cannot yet see God.  According to some tradition those left on earth  can apparently help these souls on their journey from Purgatory  by praying for them, offering Masses and giving alms.

Today and this evening many families will go to their family plots and graves, gather around and even bring picnic baskets to celebrate those who have gone before them.  Tonight every forgotten grave will be lit up by candles so that the cemetery/ graveyard will just for one night of the year, be bathed in candle light.    I would like to think that visitors would also light a candle on graves of  the forgotten.  In many instances those graves where the loved ones lie are  not forgotten. It's just that for various reasons not everyone can visit a loved one's grave.  My father lies over 4,000 miles away and there is no way I could fly to be at his side tonight. But I can and do light a candle for both he and Mummy at home this evening.  Even now it's burning brightly beside a photograph of them together.

I like  the customs and traditions of some European countries where candles are burning continuously  (24/7)  as one did  on my Austrian grandmother's grave.  Sadly there is no one left there to  look after my grandmother's grave but I do know that the graveyard keepers,  when they know there is no family left, do keep the candles lit.  In some of those countries there is a photograph of the deceased together with an eternal flame.

It would seem that the origins of this day have been attributed to various religious orders.  Some say the Cluny Order (the nuns still teach here in Trinidad), others the Benedictines who are also  still very much here, on Mount St Benedict, a major land mark in this country.




The Benedictine Monastery, Mt St Benedict, Trinidad 

 Whoever it was, it was a wonderful  custom which to this day, is celebrated, not only here but in many Catholic countries.


My wish on this All Souls is that the souls of my departed relatives have found peace.  And whilst I am wishing them peace, I also wish for complete healing and for peace of mind for my very sick husband.  Happy Birthday darling! Uncomfortable though it is and somewhat painful, you can do this!



Tuesday, November 1, 2016

All Saints 1 November 2016




Today, 1 November is All Saints Day which is believed to have been established in the early part of the fourth century and was known as 'Martyrs Day'.  It is a Feast Day which honours all Christian saints whose names we know and those we don't.  Western Roman Catholics, Anglicans and Lutherans celebrate this Feast today whereas the Eastern Orthodox Church celebrates it on the first Sunday after Pentecost.

In early days many Christians were persecuted by the Romans and died for their belief in God.  To remember those martyrs, various Dioceses set aside special days to celebrate. In the early seventh century the Emperor of the Roman Empire handed over the Pantheon Temple to the then Pope who removed the statues of the Roman gods and consecrated it as 'All Saints' in recognition of all who had died from persecution during the first  three hundred years after Christ.  Pope Gregory 111, in the Diocese of Rome,  instituted the 1 November as All Saints as he consecrated a chapel to all the martyrs, in St Peter's Basilica.  Pope Gregory IV extended the Feast to the entire Church and except in the Eastern Orthodox Church, that is where it remains today.

Then, this is how people came to be made saints and when Christians became free to worship openly, the Church found other ways to recognize sanctity. Early in Christianity people were made saints by popular acclaim which was then sanctioned by the local Bishop. For the last five hundred years or so the path to sainthood has been a much lengthier and a more difficult process.   Sainthood certainly doesn't come as easily as it once did!  Today there has to be proof of extraordinary sanctity in the form of at least one if not two miracles before canonization.  However there are exceptions to every rule as in the case of John XXX111 who does not have a miracle to his name but has other amazing attributes.

In Catholic countries All Saints is a Public Holiday and is seen as a Holy Day of Obligation meaning that one is required to attend Mass.  In other countries, as with many other Feasts, the day has been moved to the nearest Sunday.  Countries and their cultures have different ways of acknowledging and celebrating this Feast.  In Spain, Mexico and Portugal offerings are made.  In Belgium, Hungary and Italy flowers are brought to the graves of dead relatives.  In other parts of Europe, eg Austria, Croatia, Romania  and Poland it is customary to place lighted candles on the graves of relatives.  In parts of Asia, particularly The Philippines, the Feast of All Saints is also observed.  Relatives of those deceased go the graves to clean and repair them, lay flowers and light candles.  In France, church services are held  but by evening the focus has moved towards the dead.  People crowd cemeteries and there is a great deal of cleaning and lighting of candles.  All Saints is closely tied to All Souls which falls on the 2 November  and is dedicated to prayers for the deceased who are not yet glorified.  

All Saints is not a Public Holiday in Trinidad and Tobago but the tradition of the living visiting the family plots in preparation for All Souls is strong and very much part of the culture.  This evening many Trinidadians still put candles in their windows carrying out the age old belief that 'lost souls' will be able to find their way home.  



Happy Feast Day!

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Our House - Racquet Versus Mosquito.


Not for the faint -hearted! Strong language!




Only a few of my friends know that my husband has not been at all well for the last few weeks.  In fact, he has not been well for a few months but his health has deteriorated drastically over recent weeks.  However, all is not lost.  He is undergoing treatment for what has already transpired  and all being well, when the 'detectives' find what else is going on in that body of his, we will know what the next move is.  Suffice to say, dialysis is on the cards.

All drama has its humorous moments and as many of you will already know,  especially in our house! My daughter has been spending a great deal of time at home since my husband's health took a bad turn.  Well, you can imagine:

We get alot of mosquitoes. No amount of spray, coils, citronella or other products seem to keep them at bay.  We have what looks like a tennis racquet which is used to zap them.  This is charged so when the little  blighters are zapped, a flash of blue light appears together with a cracking sound  and you hear them leave this earth.


Heard in the Lake household yesterday evening:

A zap!

Daughter: 'There you go mother fucker!'
Me: 'Oh! Really?'

Three more zaps one after the other.

Daughter: 'Aha!'
Me: 'It had brothers and sisters?"

I love it when she comes home!






Friday, August 26, 2016

Blank, Just Blank!

It is so long since I wrote anything, that I wonder if I am still a Blogger.  On my various sites I say I am but since the last bird flew the nest, the Our House series seems to be a thing of the past and with Tess Kinkaid putting Magpie Tales on the back burner,  I seem to have lost interest. Or my poetry disappeared along with my Muse. That damn Muse has given me a great deal of trouble over the last year or so. It also means I don't tweet as much, only occasionally post on Instagram and you may get a daily  'good morning cup of tea with love' out of me on Face Book. That's not to say that nothing is happening in my life! There is plenty happening in my life but nothing that I really want to write about including the fact that I was stung last week by an 'unknown' and ended up having a hydrocortisone steroid fed into me intravenously!!

I could tell you about my days at work, my weekend cleaning sprees, events at the supermarkets, my love of wine, the unusual people I come into contact with who insist on telling me their life stories even though they've only been in my life for two minutes.  My sense of humour seems to have bombed recently.  Maybe it's because of the months of  exasperation when an obviously unwell husband decided he is 'not going to the doctor' but the good news there is that he did go earlier this week.  The tests now begin!

I have lost too many friends for my liking in the last few months and too many friends have lost their husbands/wives. That I believe, has a great deal to do with my lack of interest .  The biggest shock was my ex husband dying unexpectedly in a tragic accident last February.  We hadn't seen each other for over 20 years but had begun to make contact again albeit only occasionally but it seemed that we were slowly learning that we could communicate again without either one making a mountain out of a molehill.  We have a son who had to fly to England to start the 'sorting' out process.  His father was meticulous so it wasn't too bad but it's ongoing which makes life somewhat fraught for him and his two sisters.  Dying is expensive. The one good thing that came out of this, if there is any good to be had in death, is that my ex sister-in-law novelist Elizabeth Harris/Alyc Clare ( http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/37137.Alys_Clare) and I are now back in touch and she kindly sent me wonderful photos of our happy times together.

I have a friend who has been lying in a hospital bed since last October.  She is in a coma.  No tubes apart from one for feeding. Yesterday we received news that a friend of my son and daughter-in-law's whom we also know, had a massive stroke and is lying in the same hospital.  She is in her early 50s, was full of life and cannot now, communicate.

Oh there have been some happy times too - four days in the beautiful sister isle of Tobago,  son and his rally partner doing so well in Rally Barbados 2016, daughter celebrating her 30th birthday for an entire week, son celebrating his 38th birthday for an entire night, our 31st wedding anniversary (well that's a miracle and all part of the 'Our House Series'!!!), babies being born, baptisms and other family celebrations.

It's not all bad.  Apart from the will to write, I need to get my sense of humour back into my writings. I see that there is a 'new' feature on Blogger. Well new to me anyway!! Apparently I can add a 'featured post' which will be dug up from my archives.  Maybe I'll run a couple of the 'Our House' series but then again, I may go with something more serious such as 'Je Suis Charlie' which is on Up Front and Serious   http://exukbritbrat.blogspot.com/




Who knows! I may do nothing at all!






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