Wednesday, January 4, 2012

To Those Who Thought of Me in 2011, Thank You.

As 2012 opens, I'd like to send my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who during 2011 took the time and trouble to help me to feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy via 'advice' e mails.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't pass on this message, preferably in an e-mail, to
at least 144,000 people as soon as you have read it, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


  1. This is wonderful! Happy New Year
    (no, I don't intend to pass it on .. bring on the pigeon!)

  2. Ha ha very funny Bee. I'll add one of mine to your list:
    When I came over here in November, I was only here for one week when my tongue became very sore! So ..... I no longer use toothpaste with a whitening agent in it because IT CONTAINS BLEACH and it made my mouth very sore!!!

  3. Oh, no! Star has just added a don't to a long list of don'ts that I have compiled for myself in the past years, a list which grew exponentially since I first got involved in social networks in 2004. Since I am not 84, perhaps these have worked in my favor. When two years after I retired I found that I had breast cancer, and already leery of radiation I opted for the radical mastectomy, I have researched all things toxic. It has now been 18 years since the big C so I have decided that I made the right choice. Still, have wrinkles, white hair and saggy everything, but I get up every morning and walk around and eat all things natural. Thanks for this amusing post Bee.


You are always welcome here . Thank you for visiting.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...