This is supposed to be a time of hope, joy, waiting, expectation and love.
It's supposed to be but for me, it's not. I can hardly see through the tears as I write. Regardless of the love of my children, some close and dear friends, I am engulfed by absolute sadness, loneliness, and utter desperation.
I am over sensitive to personal remarks made that I am supposed to laugh at. I don't know how I am managing it, but I am very close to telling people to fuck off.
I will go to work tomorrow, put on the face, wear the pearls and tell anyone who asks that I am 'absolutely fine'.
Reality is that I know I have once again, sunk into a depression and that weaning myself off anti-depressants over the last few months really was not a good idea.
I am tired but I will, as I promised my daughter yesterday, go to the doctor this coming week because I really am beyond putting a brave face on it. and not finding joy in anything around me.
I try to be positive but wonder if it's all worth it.
I wrote the following in 2009.
The Jester
The quiz I took
Said
In Medieval times
I was a jester
Today
A natural entertainer
One who can
Raise a laugh from the toughest
The quiz I took
Said
In Medieval times
I was a jester
Today
A maker of friends
One who knows
The popular rich and powerful
The quiz I took
Said
In Medieval times
I was a jester
Today
A political animal
One who can play
The diplomatic game
The quiz I took
Said
In modern times
I am an actor
Or world leader
One who is good
At getting along
The quiz I took
Did not say
In modern times
The actor in me
Like the jester of old
Masks the tears
Wears the smile
And hides the pain
� BML J
Trinidad, WI
January 2009 ©
