I was going to sort out my wardrobe but it's still waiting. All the clothes that I'm going to give away because I'll never get down to that size again, are still hanging in there. All the books that I was going to move from one of the bookshelves are still sitting there. The shelves in the dry food cupboard are still in disarray. The book I was going to start has been put back onto the pile waiting to be read. 'The English Patient' which I started watching four nights ago is still on pause and it had hardly started. Basically the things that I need to do are not being done and I know it's because I cannot work up an enthusiasm for anything. My husband says I'm tired and need to rest. Well, that's all I seem to have been doing - resting and thinking. Thinking and worrying. I'm not normally a negative person - you know the story - glass half full or half empty type of thing but this time, I'm floored. Totally and absolutely floored because of the way the departure from my job has been done by those who have the final say. I cannot write about it yet because not only am I too angry but also because I'm still there and cannot afford any backlash between now and the end of the year. I have been offered another position within another department which I am thinking about but realistically I cannot afford to go part time, take such a massive drop in salary and still be expected to use my car with no gas allowances. But that again, is another story.
I am sure there are thousands of people out there like me but they are not me. Although I love my job, I work because I have to work. Having lost a business, homes and all possessions in the 90s, we have never recovered. My husband has been 'black listed' in this country because he is known for his intolerance of corruption so therefore has not been able to get a job since 1996. Yes we started a small business but things are very slow. Why don't we leave the country? You need money to up and start again.
I was feeling particularly low on Tuesday evening even after going to a Christian meditation session which a girl friend had invited me to. The session was wonderful but I really don't know what happened after that. I just could not get rid of that big black cloud thing that I'd posted on Face Book the day before.
It just came to a head and suddenly I was tired of everything. My humour seemed to have plummeted so one of the first things I did was post on Face book words to the effect that I was going to be scarce for a while as I wasn't very nice to be around. I used the expression that my late father sometimes came out with when he was unhappy about something - 'I'm disenchanted with life' . When I thought about it the following day I decided it wasn't life that has me feeling so, but people, People who have lied, people who have made the whole thing worse by pretending to have my best interests at heart, people who know they've done wrong so are trying to make up for it in ways that they think I can't see through, people telling me what they think I want to hear and people covering for each other.
All in all, it's a betrayal. A betrayal by those who because of the positions they hold, are looked up to. People who are not 'in the know' don't think these men can do any wrong. What they see is not necessarily what they get. I have been around far too long, seen far too much and heard far too much and perhaps that's what they're afraid of.
It will get better. I know it will because I know where my trust lies and it certainly isn't in man. I'm told I'm very good at advising people who are in desperate situations so you'd think that I'd be more positive in my own. Doesn't work like that!!
After my Face Book eruption I was heartened to receive so many private messages most if not all, asking me not to shut down. Some good cyberspace friends have shared thoughts which are much appreciated and although I'm still in lethargy mode with an unwillingness to do anything (don't even ask how I managed to get this bog out - I have no idea), I know in my heart of hearts that this can't last forever.
A friend left this on my FB page. I want to share it because I believe that there are people out there who may need to read it too.